Not any more

Justin Bieber: We love him because he looks like an adorable small lesbian. Shame about the end of civilisation – Telegraph Blogs

In Canada on August 16, 2010 at 11:57
Justin Bieber: cute, shame about the end of civilisation

Justin Bieber: cute, shame about the end of civilisation

When this upcoming 3D behind-the-scenes Justin Bieber movie was announced, my editors at the Telegraph asked me the obvious question: “What is a ‘Justin Bieber?’ ” British people, I feel your pain. This whole Bieber business – or, as you spell it over there, Biebour – is extremely confusing. Where did he come from? Why is he famous? Is his hair one solid piece of sculpted plastic like a Ken doll? Why is he looking at me like that? All great questions. To put things in the simplest terms possible: the internet has ruined the world.

Bieber was once just a humble manchild humming his little jingles and ditties in a snowy Canadian cave somewhere. Then, thanks to the magic of YouTube, some record exec saw Bieber’s videos, smuggled him out of Canada, brought him to live in Usher’s poolhouse, and signed him to Island Records. Then, because he has a funny-sounding name and he looks like an adorable small lesbian, America began thinking about Bieber. Constantly. Then, because there is no vaccine for Bieber Fever, civilisation as we knew it collapsed.

Fortunately, Bieber seems to be a good sport for a little Canadian manchild thrust into the international spotlight, and his name does sound funny. I, for one, am happy to have him around. For now.

But anyway, about this movie… I’m sorry. Is it Christmas? And my birthday? Does the Baby Jesus have email? Because a gift just arrived in my Inbox and I’m pretty sure it came straight through the cybertubes all the way from Heaven! (Or from a team of publicists in Los Angeles. You know, same difference.) Apparently the aforementioned Bieber movie will be directed by John Chu, who recently helmed what is widely considered around my apartment to be the best movie of the year, Step Up 3D.

Quoth Chu: “When I was approached about doing Justin’s film, I jumped at the opportunity to tell a story with honesty and heart. Most people don’t know that his is a true underdog story, and I hope to tell it in a compelling, genuine way, using all source materials available to convey his tale of becoming an icon for this digital age. This is the story of a new voice continuing the tradition of musicians that defined their generation.”

Oh, John Chu. The only thing that could make this situation funnier is if they announce that Sylvester Stallone will be writing the script.


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